©2011 Joan M. Newcomb
Today I watched a video by Oral Roberts' adult grandson, who is gay. He wrote a letter to his Uncle Ronnie, who was also gay, and committed suicide in 2003. Their evangelical Christian family overtly condemns homosexuality and is convinced they'll go to Hell.
I think it stayed with me because there's a thread of 'hellfire and brimstone' Christianity in my family and, although not gay, I'm quite different from the rest of them.
However, I thought being different was a good thing. I couldn't help but be different. I'm the only girl (I have three brothers). I was born overseas in Berlin (they were all born in DC, in the same hospital, delivered by the same doctors). And I'm the only one in the family with hazel brown eyes (they all have blue). And, from the time I was five, we lived in different countries, moving every two to five years. So I got used to being the American, the foreigner.
The advantage of being different is that you're not swayed by your peer group, since you don't feel you have one. When you're not trying to be like anyone else, you get to be uniquely yourself.
I think the video also triggered me because for many years I was suicidally depressed. When I was sixteen and heartbroken from the end of my first relationship, I took a massive overdose, and was in a coma for three days. My father berated me in front of my psychiatrist that 'they had no hope for me, I was never going to finish high school, never go to college, and was going to end up in a brothel.'
This resulted in the psychiatrist recommended that I not live at home, so I finished 11th grade living at the Y. As it turned out, I didn't finish high school because my family was stationed to Sweden and I went to college early. Then I didn't finish college because I went to London to go to drama school instead.
Fast forward to my late 30's as a single parent on food stamps. I struggled with being suicidal and made choices that wouldn't 'tip me over the edge'. I didn't work full time and I didn't commute to the city, which impinged my earning ability.
Things did not turn around until I was 44 and in the midst of mourning the death of a loved one, which I've written about before. I was grieving and at the same time in communication with his Spirit. I got the distinct impression how, as Essence, we are all connected. This lifetime happens in the blink of an eye to Spirit. On Earth we may have another five or ten or fifty years before we get to experience a reconnection with our loved ones. But to Essence, it's instantaneous.
When someone dies, we are still connected with them on this level. And that life on Earth is a place to *play*. It's like being in a big swimming pool. Committing suicide is like getting out of the pool before swim time is over. So why not fully enjoy everything about life while we're here?
Then I began to apply the teachings of Abraham-Hicks. I started noticing my thoughts. I realized that all day long I'd imagine conversations with people where I'd be telling them all the terrible things that were happening to me. I literally had to grab myself by the ears and redirect my thinking to more positive things. After just two or three weeks of consciously 'changing the subject', I found myself lifting out of this depression that I'd been in for years.
(On a neurological level, negative thoughts create neural pathways in your brain, and your thinking goes along these "ruts". When you change your thinking, it changes the neural pathways so your thinking can go along more positive lines. This changes your brain chemistry as well).
Today I make choices that direct me towards the light, towards the positive. I don't hang around in negative or crazy-making situations. My work focuses on empowering people to do the same.
Nowadays many of us are going through challenging and painful times. Things we've identified with are falling away and our true Selves are emerging. We no longer fit in old careers or old relationships, we're being called to be the Essence of who we are, and our work and relationships must align with our values.
Some people are plagued with suicidal thoughts, because their body/personality cannot imagine life beyond the limitations it is currently living. When everything it identifies with disintegrates, it believes it is dying. It only know what has been and barely understands what is. Your Essence, however, fully comprehends, embraces and enjoys these changes.
We are being called to be different. There is no body exactly like you. As Source we are One, but through the physical, your Essence is Unique. Your vibration is an important melody contributing to the orchestral composition of Life. When you align with your Essence, your note sounds strong and clear.
How do you do this? Tune into yourSelf. Turn towards what makes you happy. What pleases You?
Sometimes you do need space from others who aren't happy themselves, or who want you to stay the way you were. As you separate from them, supportive people will come into your life.
As you turn away from invalidation, the invalidators will squawk. Let them. The most important thing to remember is that Light is greater than darkness. Truth resonates more potently than lies. Bullies, dictators, fundamentalists may be loud but they do not last. They end up self-destructing.
When you stand in your Light and Truth, you will feel Joy. And that Joy will ripple out to others. And gives permission to others to do the same. You will be a blessing and a healing to all around you.
So this week, take baby steps. Start by noticing and redirecting your thoughts. Or if your done with baby steps and cannot hold back any longer, leap. You will be supported. You will be leaping into a life better than you have even dreamed.
It does get better.