Freedom From Want

Freedom From Want ©2017 Joan M. Newcomb,

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, the start of a month's worth of expectations. That family and friends should be gathering, that there should be an abundance of food and gifts. That everyone is supposed to be warm and loving to each other.

Freedom From Want by Norman Rockwell

My family of origin lived up to those expectations for the first fifteen years of my life, until the patterns started to break down. And we had pretty high expectations. My great-uncle Jim McCabe is in the iconic Norman Rockwell painting.

My early memories are of grand holiday meals, although we lived overseas most of those years so sometimes we had goose instead of turkey.

The family started shattering when I was sixteen, and I maybe initiated, contributed or reflected that shattering... I was hospitalized for depression in an adolescent ward of a mental hospital during the holidays that year.

The next year, I just remembered, I had Thanksgiving with my great-uncle's family in Connecticut (after visiting him in Vermont). I was in college and my parents were in Sweden. My father left my mother shortly afterwards; I really don't remember any Thanksgivings with them after that.

As an adult I tried gamely to create holiday meals like the ones I'd had in my early childhood. But the family I created broke apart when my kids were little. Since their father was a gourmet chef and I had never cooked a turkey, I wrote it into the parenting plan that they spent every "big meal" day with him. I had no idea that it set me up to be alone for all those holidays.

At some point my kids learned from their cousins that they got two Thanksgivings. The cousins would see both sets of parents on the same day. Since my culinary skills couldn't match their father's, I had our Thanksgiving meal the Sunday before, which both spared it the competition and meant they'd eaten my leftovers before they went to their dad's for the remaining part of the week.

Every Thanksgiving for years, I was always scrambling to be "adopted" somewhere to eat with other people. It was always a painful and lonely time.

When I remarried, our first Thanksgiving together, my mother in law was insulted because I had my husband and her work on the turkey. After that, we'd go out for Chinese food instead.

When you look at Thanksgiving from the perspective of Consciousness, you see the tangles of expectations and dysfunctional patterns that actually create separation and lack.

You can be with family and a lot of food, and if it's filled with assumptions and craziness, you will feel far removed from any sense of connection and abundance.

Thanksgiving isn't about the big meal. It isn't about the gathering of family and friends. It isn't even necessarily about gratitude. As Consciousness, it's about appreciation.

Appreciation is the neutral form gratitude, because it's coming from the creator sense rather than the recipient. As we exist as Consciousness and in body, we can experience both, but it's important to note the difference. Gratitude implies thankfulness for or from something outside of yourself. Appreciation acknowledges and enjoys the creation. Which can even be the creation of chaos and discord.

When you shift your perspective from your body/personality self, to you as Consciousness, you know you already have all that you desire.

As Consciousness there is no separation. You are always connected, even with loved ones who have passed. As Consciousness there is no lack, because Consciousness is the Source of all creation. As Consciousness there is no discord, because Consciousness is essentially love.

This year, my husband and I are at that mid point, where our parents are passed, and our adult children don't yet have offspring of their own. One son is in Spain; we won't see him until Easter. Another is on Vashon, with his Dad. We'll do our meal on Sunday (I now cook salmon instead).

I'm appreciative that I have good relationships with both my kids and my husband. I get to create new patterns rather than passing on historical ones.

This holiday season, when you feel yourself entangled in the insanity, take a moment to shift your perspective (this might require stepping out of the room). View it all from Consciousness, appreciate this playground of a planet, and notice how your reality transforms!

Mystic Minute: When the SHOULD hits the fan!

Christmas Sanity

(c) 2009 Joan M. Newcomb

A common question people ask me is how to handle someone who's driving you crazy.  There's the woman who's brother-in-law is always over at their place, working on their machines (and messing them up).  He owed them money and her husband, although vexed, never asked to be paid back.

Then there's the elderly man who's adult child and spouse moved in with him and have taken over the house.

Or the employee who's coworker is so toxic, she chased off his predecessor.  She's nasty to everyone but perfect on the details of her job, so the bosses look the other way.

And many who are visiting relatives for the holidays who, much as they love them, cannot stand to be around them for very long.

 The common theme I found when looking at each of these situations was - conflicting assumptions and expectations.

The woman expected her brother-in-law to be responsible and accountable, although he's never shown any evidence of being capable of it!  She's expecting her husband to set boundaries even though he never has in all the years they've been married.

The elderly man's children assume they are being helpful by cooking all the meals (of foods he doesn't eat).  He expects them to clean the bathroom after they use it.  Nobody's telling anybody their preferences or asking for anything different.

The employee expects the coworker to be professional in her communication and opinions. (And expects his workplace *not* to be dysfunctional!)

And we have *loads* of expectations and assumptions about our relatives (and ourselves)!

For one thing, we can't assume we know where the other person is coming from.  People have funny ways of dealing with their feelings during the holiday.  Someone who is grieving inwardly may be angry outwardly.  Someone who is fearful may act controlling.

We can't assume people will act the way we do.  They may not have years of therapy or learned to talk about their feelings.  We can't expect them to know what we're thinking or what we want.

However, just as it's a mistake to assume someone's behavior will miraculously change since the last time we saw them, it's also a mistake to think someone we haven't seen for years will be the same as before.  We go back to the family reunion with a chip on our shoulder and discover that Uncle Pat quit drinking three years before and has become humble and kind.

We also have expectations of ourselves, to remain normal in the face of everyone else's projections and assmuptions!

We can you do to maintain (or regain) sanity in the midst of all this holiday havoc?

Try to have a sense of humor about everything.  When you get into a space of amusement, you have a fighting chance of not being sucked into the drama.  As you gather with family, imagine yourself to be in comedy movie.  When you go to work, reframe it as a sitcom rather than a soap opera.  Recast those key members and different characters in your mind.  This gives you a chance to detach, to step out of the story line.

It's amazing what happens when you have no expectations.  You have more space to be yourself.  Others have more space to be themselves.  They may still be nutcases, but they don't bother you any more.

You intuitively know when to speak up for yourself and when to quietly turn your attention elsewhere.  You let other's comments roll off your back.

It takes practice, of course.  Try this for the next week (but don't expect perfection) and see what happens!