Grief and Loss

Grief and Loss ©2021 Joan M. Newcomb, CPC

When I entered my sixties, I realized, in order to live a long time that I'd have to get used to grief and loss. Amongst other things.

Not that I hadn't had plenty of experience with grief and loss in the preceding sixty years. 

However in recent years there's been some wrenching losses, individually and collectively. How I've handled it in the past is to compartmentalize it. I usually go into action mode, "fight" more than "flight". 

I can grieve later, I decide at the time.

There's a practical reality to this, as usually there's no one else to rely on or pick up the pieces. I don't feel I have the "luxury" to collapse in grief. As I write this, I realize that grieving isn't a sign of weakness, and it doesn't have to bring collapse. I can grieve and I can be in action at the same time.

The part of me that is grieving is the part of me that perceives loss. It's the part of me that wants security and stability, and believes those things are in relationships, and material things like a roof over one's head.

It's the part of me that isn't going to make it out of this lifetime alive, so views everything in very black and white terms.

As Consciousness, I don't feel grief nor loss, because I know I am always connected with my loved ones, whether they're in physical form or not. As I write this, I also realize I'm always connected with loved ones not yet in physical form as well. Which delights me.

As Consciousness, I don't need a location for security, as I'm creating all of this in the moment. I don't need security, either. Security doesn't make sense to one that is infinite, All that Is, creating all things.

However, also as Consciousness I've created this form, my body/personality, and am aware of it's needs and desires. 

When I live life *as* Consciousness with a physical form and personality, it doesn't mean marching forwards as if its needs don't matter. That's like riding a horse and neglecting to give it water, abandoning at night when wolves howl. 

As Consciousness, life means experiencing every delicious and difficult aspect of being in physical form. It actually doesn't mean marching forwards towards anything. That is a body level kind of measurement.

Also just realized that living "a long time" is also a body level measurement. Of course bodies want to live as long as possible.

Being in the present moment, is as close to feeling the infiniteness of Consciousness as you can feel.

As a collective, we've been through an enormous amount of grief and loss in the last year or two. We've been experiencing an accelerated shift in Consciousness that heightens our awareness but also our empathy with others. This magnifies grief and loss as we're not just feeling our own emotions.

We're also losing everything we thought was real, but actually was just egoic levels of importance. That's not to invalidate people who lost loved ones during the pandemic. People have transitioned to nonphysical in increasing numbers during this time. That's been hard to handle, we miss their physical presence and the prevalent "noise" makes it difficult to connect with them Spirit to Spirit. They're still there but it's like a bad cell phone connection - easier to talk to but harder to hear.

Evolving to a new level means letting go of what was familiar, and we may fight it even if what was familiar wasn't comfortable. We might be so used to being in pain and unhappy, we're resisting taking steps that would improve our lives or expand our quality of living.

When I'm in that place (and I kinda sorta in that place right now in certain areas), I don't need to immediately leap to being perfectly pain free and joyously happy all the time. Although as Consciousness, I can easily do so. For my body's sake, I can take baby steps to change. 

 

Reclaim Your Inner Baby

Reclaim Your Inner Baby ©2015 Joan Newcomb

I was just in the city where I was born, part of a mission to scatter my moms ashes to all the places where she lived.

I was so focused on other things, like my parents and my older brothers living there, that it didn't occur to me that it was my birthplace, until I was on the train to the airport.

Why did I create being born in West Berlin, during the Cold War,  where it was my Dad's job to talk people into defecting?

I'm a lightbringer. And lightbringer are destined to go into dark places. Makes sense I would start I one.

So I tuned into myself as an infant, and was surprised (don't know why) to sense this big ball of light.

Infant photo 1912

All babies are bright lights. Just look at 'em, they are pure energy, pure joy, pure wonder. They are Consciousness, rediscovering the world.

So I tuned into my baby Self and felt that energy within me.  I felt how darkened and crusty and old I have become.  Years of accumulated pictures and concepts and experiences. Reclaiming my baby self, bringing that new energy within, was like filling the tanks with high octane gas.

This is who we really are. We are bright lights, bundles of joy. Our essence is wonder, happiness, curiosity, love.  That never goes away. It just gets covered over.

We can access our inner infant and use the energy to heal and renew ourselves. We can egain our awareness of why we are here, and what our purpose is.

It's pretty simple. You can sit quietly, with your eyes closed, and inwardly imagine your baby self. Feel the energy you were when you first got here.  See in your mind, your bright eyes and toothless smile.

Bring that awareness into your center and let it expand outward, filling up your body and surrounding you.

Let the years of accumulated denser energy dissolve, disintegrate, dissipate.  Bring in your awareness as Consciousness. Let yourself know why you are here. The answer may be very simple, a feeling or an image.

Sit with this.

Do this for the next 7 days. You can do this once, or any number of times. You may get instantaneous insight, or increasing Knowingness over the week. You can just let your light shine and clear any darkness or you can deliberately direct it to places You want to dissolve.

Try this for the next week and see what happens,

Relaxing Into Discomfort

Relaxing Into Discomfort (c)2015 Joan M. Newcomb

I'm in Germany, and it's been one roller coaster ride since we got here.  There were 32mph winds when we landed (which should have been a clue for the rest of the trip).

We came from Madrid, where it was nearly 80 degrees, and in Germany it was in the 30s.  We've been rained on, lightening'd over and pelted with hail pellets.  Our artist's apartment in Madrid was warm and inviting.  Our flat in Kreuzberg is a flophouse for grunge-rebels.

Madrid is no problema friendly.  Germany is nicht so.

It is hard to stay Conscious in discomfort. My body contracts in the cold.  It feels similar to being in poverty, or ill. 

I'm distributing my mother's ashes to the places where we lived. To get down to Zehlendorf, we encountered closed stations in the Reichstag, a change of trains on the U3, and then an Erzatz U3 bus because there'd been 'a fire on the line'.  

At some point, I realized I'd just relaxed into the discomfort. A girl who looked like Tin Tin appeared to help us when passengers were being told to leave the train.  It had thundered and hailed over the Reichstag, and it was sunny and almost warm in Zehlendorf.

Zehlendorf's brick-cobbled streets were strewn with tree limbs, from the windstorm the night before.  Many of the houses were unchanged from when my family had lived there during the Cold War.

The more I relaxed, the more Dorothy showed up.  That's not true, she'd been present the whole way (we'd walked on Dorothenstrasse at the start of our trip, and "DB" - for DeutschesBahn, is also my nickname for her).  Little purple flowers appeared.  The first house had whimsical tiles - probably not original, but the kind of thing that would make her giggle.  And the pub on the corner had a -probably original - Berliner Kindl sign (she had a large collection of mugs and glasses, mostly likely from there).

We left a dusting of her at each place, and returned to Kreuzberg where we were rained and hailed on.

The next morning we took my husband to the Krankhaus, which is such a good name for the place.  I got to practice relaxing into discomfort with rude admins and raving admitteds. Nobody feels like they've chosen to be sick on vacation and certainly nobody likes to go to hospital. But I have a traumatic reaction to them after sleeping beside Dorothy for 18 days when she fell and broke her pelvis and then got diagnosed with cancer.

Meanwhile, my 24 year old son is having the time of his life with the night scene in Kreutzberg, German beer and Currywurst. He does not mind the discomfort of the weather, or at least does not let that stop him from fully enjoying his Berlin holiday.

He is symbolic of the next generation moving forward without the restrictions of the past. My husband, currently, is symbolic of those of us releasing those painful patterns.

Tonight we leave, my son returning home to Madrid, my husband and I going on to London. Perhaps this whole ordeal was to make the next phase of my journey seem easier. London will now feel warm (it's in the mid-50s there).  We'll be used to trains and undergrounds.  And we'll really appreciate knowing the language!

Tomorrow's a major eclipse, which closes one door and opens another.  It's a time of sudden, unexpected changes.

What do you need to relax into? What are you resisting (that needs releasing)?

Breathe into it.  This too shall pass.  It is taking you to a new level of Expanded Consciousness.  And, it will get better!

What to do When Your World Collapses

What to do when your world collapses ©2014 Joan M. Newcomb

Every one of us will have at least one experience that shatters their reality. Every one of us will have at least one experience that shatters their reality.

You or someone you love will lose their job, be in an accident, get divorced, uncover a horrible truth, be diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness...

It may happen in an instant, or erode over time.  Whatever occurs will feel like a door has shut behind you, your path has been irrevocably changed.

How do you move forward? How can you go on?  

You may feel numb with grief, you may feel vulnerable, like your skin has been removed.  It may be hard to be around people.  It may be difficult to eat.  You may want to sleep all day.  You may not be able to sleep at all.

Energetically, what has happened, is that all your pictures of what reality should look like have been erased.  Your identity has been altered. It is very disorienting.

Your perception of yourself as married, employed, healthy, safe, has suddenly shifted to the opposite.

Imagine a house undergoing a remodel.  Sometimes it was consciously chosen. other times things blowup and make it happen.  You have to reinvent yourself.  You have to rebuild your life.

Everyone recovers differently.  Everyone has a different time line.  You can't have too many expectations of yourself when things first happen.  Perhaps you're in crises mode, you have to just get through it.

Numbness can be a protection, it can help you keep things together in the first few days, weeks or months.  You get through it moment by moment, and then day by day.

Your self-talk can make it harder - or easier.  When my dog ate rat poison, the weekend I was moving, I told myself, "this isn't a crisis, it's an event."

When my mother got Alzheimer's and cancer and I decided it would be inhumane to put her through chemo, I'd find myself saying, "I can't do this, I can't keep going."  And then I'd say, "yes you can."

Who is doing the talking?

We are more than our identities, we are more than our storylines.  The part of us that is shattered, that is grieving loss, is our personality-self.  Within us there is an Essential Self that is bigger than any problem.

Breakdowns are opportunities for us to strengthen, deepen, grow and expand.  They allow our True Selves to emerge.

The sun will shine again.  Mourn the loss but don't cling to it.  You will get through this.  The pain will eventually subside.

Look for hidden blessings, and angels in disguise.  Even in the bleakest moments, they are there.  It may be in a sunny day.  It may be kindness from a stranger.  Notice how the Universe supports you.

Nothing true is ever lost.  Your loved ones still exist in non-physical form.  Who you are at your core never goes away.  You may feel disconnected as you are going through this experience, but -You will emerge stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.

Know you are loved.  Know you are wise.  Know you are strong.  Know you can get through this.  

Most importantly, Know it will get better.

Embrace Change

Embrace Change ©2014 Joan M. Newcomb

I started writing this talking about the tough times people are going through, then realized it was exactly like a post I started writing a month ago, and scrapped in favor of a more uplifting message.  I'm doing the same again.

Listen, I know tough times.  I've survived an overdose, abuse, betrayal, divorce, poverty, loss, death.  And I honestly can't say what kept me from jumping off a ferry at times.  But I'm glad I did. I want to give a higher perspective of what it's all about:

Seasons are changing, trees and plants are going through new cycles, it's time to move on. This planet is all about creating and destroying, and each part of the cycle is equally creative, from the perspective of Consciousness.

If you try to hold on to what is going away, it's going to be extraordinarily painful. Trying to stop the flow of life is like trying to stop a river with your hands.

This doesn't mean you can't change your reality. You can reverse a fatal illness, you can get out of a soul destroying job, you can thrive after abuse. But change comes with letting go, you don't fight what isn't working.

Sometimes your Universal Self helps you change by creating circumstances that are "straws that break the camel's back". Situations from which there is no turning back. Forcing you to hit bottom so there's no way to go but up.

Things happen that shatter your sense of self, and you have to reinvent your life. It's like not remodeling your house until there's a fire or earthquake.

Consciousness (your Universal Self) views all this with amusement and neutrality.  This world is Your playground, Your whole purpose is to create. Nothing is ever truly lost, nothing ever truly dies, energy transforms.

Beings leave their bodies, but they still exist as Essence. At a greater level, as Consciousness, there is no separation, we're all still connected.

At some point, I realized that in order to live to a ripe old age, I'll have to get used to loss.  So here's my greater perspective on that:

Embrace change, welcome the new, open your arms to what is out there.  You are your own parent and midwife, birthing you into a new experience with each breath.

You ARE Consciousness, this is your playground, go out there and play!














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The End is Just The Beginning

The End is Just The Beginning ©2014 Joan M. Newcomb

Tomorrow a friend is burying her husband, and my husband is visiting his friend who has a terminally ill wife.  I'm sure that people are dying at the same rate they always have been, it just seems more noticeable nowadays.

I can't emphasize enough that just because their bodies die, it doesn't mean they're gone.  And it's not that they're still 'alive in your heart'.  They still *exist*, just not in physical form.

They're still available to talk to, they still hear, even if you can't hear them.  You can sense them, and if you're watchful, they'll give you clues.

It's important to grieve, as your body (and it's emotions) is the part of you that feels the loss.  Grieving helps open the way for clear communication.

If there's anything you didn't get a chance to say, say it now.  Write it down, if you need to, it will still be communicated.

Don't hold back (unless you're in the grocery store.  Wait until you're in your car, or at home - alone).  Let it all hang out.  They're easier to talk to, just harder to hear.  Say the things you couldn't say when they were alive.  You can resolve whatever you need to, now.

It's an opportunity to open up to a brand new relationship.  One that can be more than was possible before.

You'll find the end is just the beginning, to an expanded awareness of Love.

Why Fight With Patterns?

Why Fight With Patterns? ©2014 Joan M. Newcomb

One of the things I noticed when my parents were dying is their patterns unravelling. We each are a tapestry of patterns, a lifetime of accumulated energies.

When we pass, they drop, like clothing without a body. When you're with someone who is passing, your own patterns light up. You either fight tooth and nail for their validity, or you can allow yours to drop as well. The latter is not so easily done, as there are others within your life weaving who are invested in the reality of these patterns.

Since my last parent died, there's been quite a residue of "stuff".  I've chosen to shine light on it, to speak up and to question it, which has caused a discordant ripple in the combined family fabric.

Heck, anything that doesn't agree with the current vibration is going to appear inharmonious. Really, it's a pattern that's come to the surface because it is dissolving.

Why fight with it? Why not step back and let it dissipate? Because to remain silent is, in a way, to agree with it. Because part of the pattern is secrecy and complacency.

Keeping one's mouth shut is part of the pattern. Staying quiet means allowing it to stay within you. And I'm not carrying this forward.

Yet the opportunity is to rise above it, to look down on it from the clouds, so that everyone involved look like ants. From an airplane, do you really feel that engaged with traffic jams below?

If I really let go of the pattern(s) within me, would everyone else behave differently?  There wouldn't be anything to reflect.

If I really let go of the patterns myself, everyone could behave as crazily as they already are behaving, but it wouldn't make me insane as well.

What's crazy is to expect others to behave differently.  We can only change ourselves.

How do you change yourself, when these patterns are so ingrained that they are invisible to you.  They are an accepted part of your family reality.

It's easiest to work on a symbolic level.  You can see it as an image, hear it as a sound, feel it as a vibration.  Imagine yourself, and see the design separate from your energy space.  Or, hear your own note or melody, and mute the disharmonious notes.  Let your vibration be high, light and bright, and what feels 'off' drains out of you into the earth.

Work on a quantum consciousness level, step to one side, into a Universe where that pattern doesn't exist, you never had it, you never will.  Turn and shift in your new space, this will often change the entire cast of characters as well.

Play with this for the next 7 days and see what happens!