Soul Mates

Soul Mates©2007 by Joan M. Newcomb

Your soul mate isn't necessarily your sole mate. For most people, there isn't one person destined to be your other half for this lifetime. There is, however, one person who is perfect for you at this moment in time. But look at yourself - are you happy with who you are, where you're at; are you satisfied with your life? Would you be attracted to someone who's attracted to you in this present moment?

The tricky thing is, we keep changing and growing. So if we are with our present soul mate, the challenge is for both people to continue adjusting to each other's growth; to expand along with us.

In actuality, we're all soul mates - we're all souls and we're all part of humanity. As souls, we're infinite and eternal; it's the human part of us that's temporary. If you ascribe to the belief of reincarnation, then we've all probably had a bazillion lifetimes and therefore a bazillion relationships. If you ascribe to the belief of the collective unconscious, we're all connected, we're all reflections of each other, then we are each other. Any one of us could be your soul mate. Your kid or your mother could be your soul mate just as easily as a partner.

People have idealized the concept of soul mate, just as they've idealized the concept of unconditional love. Our soul mate is supposed to love us unconditionally. In truth, our soul mate may highly irritate us! We come together in relationship to learn from each other and ultimately experience love. However, sometimes we learn best about something by experiencing it's opposite first. Your soul mate could be someone you initially hate!

The problem with the concept of unconditional love is people think that also means they have to unconditionally approve of the other person and all the other person's actions. That gets a little tough on a 24/7 basis. A teacher of mine suggested reframing unconditional love as unobstructed love. Love unblocked by judgments and expectations. Release expecting the other to behave appropriately, for example. Release expecting that the other person will love you back (ouch!). Release expectations of yourself that you need to be perfect in order to love someone else.

It's wonderful when a soul mate comes into our lives, completes us, heals all our past relationship wounds, patiently stands by us while we unfold and blossom. But you can't will that to happen, you can't magnetically attract your soul mate by going out and hunting them down. Spiritual rules of manifestation are often the opposite of physical reality. In physical reality if you want to make something, you chop it down and build it, using a lot of sweat and physical effort. In spiritual reality in order to manifest something you need to turn with in, focus on what you want, ask for it and then - hardest part of all - let it go. Most people report having their soul mate walk into their lives when they finally stopped looking.

I have a friend who bought a four bedroom, two-bath house on five acres with a lover and as the sale closed the relationship ended. She was stuck alone for five years in this huge place, except for a short period of time when she had the Roommate from Hell. Finally she bought herself a one-room cabin out in the woods -- a perfect hermit's retreat. It had a composting toilet, a loft bed over the living room area and a postage stamp kitchen. She fell in love with the man she hired to remodel it. They're now living in a much larger house in another city.

Sometimes people come into your life for only a short part of the journey, and are perfect for that moment in time. They're there to help you transition to a new stage of evolution. Or visa versa. Sometimes you or your soul mate need a half a lifetime's preparation before you can be together for the rest of it!

An important step I took in searching for my soul mate was to stop looking and spend some time concentrating on being my own partner. It was an amazing transition. I got to wear whatever I wanted, I didn't have to brush my teeth before bedtime, and even stopped tweezing my eyebrows! I returned to my essential self, who I truly am inside. You can't receive love unless you love yourself, and I'd lost that somewhat in my pursuit of love outside myself.

Now I am married again, it takes staying conscious to retain my essential self while being in partnership with another. It also takes staying conscious in order not to slip into old patterns from previous relationships. It requires staying in the present moment and choosing to respond differently. Manifesting your Soul Mate is like any other manifestation - once you've brought them into your life you now have to maintain the relationship! You wouldn't have a great car and then run it on cheap gas or never put oil in it, would you? Nor would you have the perfect house and never clean it or keep it fixed up! People assume that once they've attracted their perfect partner, they don't have to do anything else. The secret to living happily ever after with your soul mate it to keep up whatever it was you were doing to attract them!

Even long term relationships can get back on track with continued small course corrections. Start where ever you are now, and do one small thing each day to show your partner you care about them. Notice what it is that makes them feel loved - perhaps they appreciate words of affirmation, maybe they resonate with acts of service, or small gifts. One small action leads to another and within no time you'll rediscover your soul mate within the person you married.